How to stop feeling shame
Shame is a powerful emotion that causes a lot of pain. Like all emotions, it has evolved for a purpose and understanding what it is for can help you deal with it more effectively.
In this week’s round-up, I’m sharing some of the most valuable resources I’ve discovered on the subject of shame. I hope that you can use them to help with some of the challenges that you experience in your life.
Shame can hide away
Shame isn’t always easy to recognise. Other emotions can mask it. Filled with anxiety and worry, fears of the worst dominate your thoughts. When you peel back the layers, you find a fear of failure. To experience it is to experience shame.
Anger can mask the feeling of shame too. We can rush to defensive aggression or criticism of others’ behaviour, all in the service of avoiding embarrassment. Given that shame feels so bad, what the blinking-heck is it for?
What is shame for?
Know one likes to talk about their shame; not me and not you. It hurts, right? It also makes us feel naked and vulnerable. Naturally, we tend to hide our shame. We bury it and withdraw into a busy mind of self-criticism and contemptuous chatter.
These isolating responses serve to protect you. If other people’s aggression shames you, then this withdrawal is an attempt to distance yourself from that hurt. If your mind shames you, it’s a sign that you’ve not met your expectations or rules about what is moral. Similarly, the urge to withdraw serves to protect you from social exclusion. Stay away, and you can’t hurt them any longer. However, departing from your shame and others does almost nothing to teach you how to improve it.
How do you deal with shame?
Like other emotions, shame has evolved in helpful and unhelpful ways. Thankfully, the wisdom of spirituality and psychological scientific discoveries provide us with more powerful choices.
The most potent response to shame that I’ve observed is self-compassion. It is why many of the resources you’ll read about or listen to dig deeper into self-compassion. You’ll learn about what it is, how it helps and how to do it. If you aren’t sure where to start, take the self-compassion test. You might be surprised to learn what self-compassion is and what it is not.
How to deal with Shame Resources
Brene Brown’s books. Brene has become a mini-celebrity, and it’s hard not to like her. She is funny and wholehearted while sharing her research into the experience of shame. Check out her books. ‘The gifts of imperfection’ is a wise place to start.
Self-Compassion Test – Kristin Neff is another foremost researcher on shame. Take her self-compassion test and discover your levels of self-compassionate behaviour.
Unshame. It is a powerful account of Carolyn Spring’s journey through therapy. Having suffered horrendous abuse as a child, Carolyn has transformed her life into an extraordinary writer and teacher of the human spirit.
How to be less self-critical using mindfulness and self-compassion. A podcast interview with the down-to-earth psychologist and one of the founders of the Compassionate Mind Foundation, Dr Mary Welford.
