
Why can’t I control my emotions?
Some weeks can be difficult. Your emotions have felt out of control.
You feel overloaded. There has been so much to sort out. You’ve done it all by yourself, and you feel all alone.
The tension spills out. Panic and terror wash over like a tidal wave. You feel battered and bruised. You’ve got nothing left.
What do I do?
Why can’t I control my emotions, you wonder?
You’ve tried to slow things down. You do some relaxation or mindfulness, but it has little impact.
You lay down in bed, waiting for it to pass. Instead of calming you, your mind steps into overdrive. You disappear into a fantasy world, trying to work things out.
Answers come, but obstacles quickly pop up, blocking your way forward.
I don’t have the energy. It’s pointless; nothing works. I feel lost.
How do you control your emotions?
What happens if I don’t control my feelings?
You continue to look for solutions. Round and round, you go, moving nowhere and getting dizzy with agitation.
What if I’m not supposed to control my emotions? Yes, maybe that’s it. I’m supposed to let them wash over me.
And, then, they’ll pass.
They don’t. Maybe for a little while, but then they come back. You feel worse, more hopeless and knackered.
It’s not working.
Hi. I’m Jim. I want to ask you something.
Given that nothing has worked, would you be willing to experiment with a different approach?
You would. Great.
There is a catch. I’m not going to help you control your emotions.
I don’t want to keep tackling the problem in the same way when it hasn’t worked. That doesn’t make any sense.
Instead of controlling your emotions, let’s try something different.
How about receiving them?
OK, interesting!
Will that make them go away?
I don’t know, but I do know this. We can see that the more you try to control your emotions, the worse you feel. The more anxious, tired and hopeless you become.
We need to do something different.
By receiving them, you take care of yourself differently—more wisely.
Whatever your emotions: anger, rage, sadness, fear, hurt or shame, it makes sense to welcome them.
By welcoming and receiving your emotions, you develop the ability to validate your feelings.
Giving yourself comfort by validating your emotions
Here is how you do it.
- Name your emotions: I am feeling…
- Give yourself some space: I am having a feeling of…
- Respond with kindness: It’s understandable that I am having a feeling of…
- Give yourself permission: I am allowed to be feeling…
By following these steps, you support yourself. You recognise you feel alone and step forward with self-compassion. You take care of yourself.
It won’t get rid of your emotions. New feelings may emerge. Frustration can follow anger. Hopelessness can follow sadness.
Repeat the steps. Validate all your emotions. They are happening and speaking to you. See them less as things you need to control but as parts of you wanting to be heard.
Listen and offer comfort. Just as you would extend your warmth and care to someone you love, gift yourself some space, kindness and permission. It’s OK, and you’re allowed to feel.
It’s natural, always.
Go gentle. Move slowly.
Take care.